I too possess “darn good” intelligence

Oops, I lied.
These are very uncertain times, less certain than previous times when we certainly took more for granted. But we want to assure you that information contained on this site is backed up by the latest snooping technologies on our trillion-dollar communications infrastructure. So, if we told you that the British told us that Iraq tried to buy plutonium from Niger, the chances that we used that information to mislead you are darn good. We mean, “the larger point is and the fundamental question is, ‘Did Saddam Hussein have a weapons program?’” And the answer to that question is, “we really hope so.”

But what we really need now is closure. Closure is the only cure for uncertainty. Thus, based on our “darn good” intelligence, our press secretary assures you, the uncertain reader, that “the bottom line has been gotten to.”

Thank god.

Related: Bush asks Congress for $30 billion to help fight war on criticism

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