Apathy doesn't really matter English

Apathy doesn't really matter

English is an emotionally taxing class for me. I try very hard to offer good analysis to the class discussions, but often I flounder. Ms. Lord, like most of my teachers, has somehow divined that I have unlimited self-confidence. As a result, she picks on me terribly. On one level, it is a bad thing for a teacher to ridicule a student. On another level, however, I know that she respects and appreciates me, and has told me personally that I am one of her favorite students. These two different levels come into conflict in that class.

Since she tells me that I have such incredible self-confidence, whenever she insults me in class, I do not want to feel hurt because she is complementing my self-confidence. So, I wonder if my reaction should be to 'act tough' and strengthen the impermeable wall I have built around my ego, or to act
sensitively, and allow myself to be hurt by her harsh words. If I strengthen my ego, will it be at the expense of listening to the advice of others?

So far, I have tried to have the best of both worlds - not allowing criticisms to bother me, but appreciating commendations. But can I truly sustain both, or am I tottering on a fence, delaying the inevitable? If I decide to toughen up and become utterly apathetic, will my bull-headedness ultimately be my
worst attribute? It is certainly both a blessing and a curse.

Even though my teachers often criticize me more than most students, I know that it is not to impugn my abilities as a student, and so I take it as a compliment that they can treat me differently (hold me to a different standard?) than other students.

Psychologically, it is interesting that I never considered myself to be
exceedingly self-confident, but now I consider it to be one of my defining
qualities simply because it is so frequently reiterated to me.

By the way, I was talking with Adele (imagine!) and I am beginning to come to peace with Invisible Man. The problem was that I was trying to answer all the questions the novel raises after only reading  the first one hundred pages. Of course, this is an exercise in futility and frustration. Thus, I am simply not going to worry about resolving all of Ellison's themes until I finish reading the
novel (this falls under the category of 'no-brainers-Aaron-realized-the-hard-way'). Of course, I still say everything that comes to mind in English class, but I think that is an indelible part of my personality - deal with it :-)

Finally, the title of this entry has little to do with the actual contents of this entry. Rather, it is simply an ironical phrase that popped into my mind.

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