Amazing events symbolically related to
Amazing events symbolically related to my physics midterm
This morning, I took my physics midterm. I had a lot of anxiety about the midterm because physics is my most difficult subject, but I really want to do well to support my self-image as "a math-science person". A few minutes ago, I woke up from a nap that resolved a re-occurring dream that I can only think relates to the midterm.
The dream begins (at least as far back as I can remember) with an airplane crashing into the sea. I'm in the airplane, of course. As the plane plunges vertically downward into the ocean, I see the fuselage above me break away - and I try to swim towards the surface. But my clothes are caught. My shoelaces (which were unrealistically long) had entangled a loose I-beam. I try to swim upward, pulling the I-beam with me to the surface, but it is caught on fuselage. As I bend down to take off my shoes, a heavy metal grate falls on me, pinning me to the floor of the plane. I'm trapped. My panic turns into despair.
That was the reoccurring part of the dream that I've had for the past week.
Today, post-physics midterm, the dream continued. Days pass as I'm trapped under water (because it's a dream, I don't drown). But then I'm rescued! I find myself lying on the beach as my parents pull pieces of wreckage off me. I sit up and untie my shoe from the fateful I-beam. I stand up; take a few steps, but then emotion swells up inside me. I collapse on the ground, crying and shaking cathartically from the trauma of the experience. The ordeal was over. I survived.
As my mother holds me, my Handspring Visor beeps. I guess that survived the crash as well. I have new mail.
Turning on the Visor, I see the screen is covered with frowning emoticon faces. I check my email, revealing countless messages from friends. The first one is from Steve Roessner. It says, "I love you, man. I'll miss you." Attached to the email is a news report with the headline "Teen dies in plane crash", and a picture of wreckage floating on the sea. I felt so good to know that people cared about me. I was loved. It was very intense.
Then, my alarm clock woke me up to go to work. Jolted back to reality, for a few minutes I felt really sad and lonely. My mother wasn't hugging me, and my friends hadn't emailed me saying they love me and will miss me. My reality was devoid of such deep emotions. But then I realized it was probably a good thing that I wasn't really in a plane crash.
I attempted researching the symbolism of my dream on the Internet, because it was such an emotionally intense experience. But this proved to be futile, as many symbols in my dream, such as the plane, have many different interpretations, many of which do not apply to my life. I think that the interpretation of the symbols varies from person to person depending on the associations in their subconscious. I believe that the plane crash represents my physics midterm, because I had a lot of anxiety about it. Physics is my worst subject, and studying had been frustrating. It made me loose sleep at night. The water, often symbolizing the unknown, represents my fear. It was the darkness that engulfed me. The beach, my "terra firma", my parents, my friends all symbolized what is truly important in life. Not how well I do on my physics midterm, but my relationships with the people who are important to me - that's what matters. My physics midterm was a problem that came and went, but they were always there.
Tuesday evening, I was working in the library on a problem set for Physics as well as trying to study for the midterm. But nothing was making sense. I read the chapter, twice, and still couldn't complete the problem set. This made me very worried about the midterm the coming Friday. I felt I might be more productive studying in a different environment, so I left the library in frustration.
Walking back to the dorm, my mind exaggerated the importance of the midterm. I consider myself a very self-confident, capable person. I thought: my frustration about physics might mean that I'm really not as capable as I perceive myself to be. I dream of having a brilliant career that combines business and academia. I want to write books and have theories that change the way people understand the world. How could I do that if I can't even do electricity and magnetism? What if I'm not as great as I think I am? What if I'm just average? What if I'm going to be like so many people who hate their jobs, yet don't have the ability to change their situation? I addressed my thoughts to God: "God, if that's what you want to do with me, I'm not doing it. I'll drop out of college. I'll run away. I'll kill myself."
I actually thought that. I thought about killing myself because of a physics midterm. That was a scary thought. Trying to get at the essence of my frustration, I tried to think more rationally.
I wondered to God: "What the point of living if I can't do what I want most - to live out this dream?"
Then I started to laugh. Spontaneously, uncontrollably. I felt it was a sign from God, answering my question, telling me the meaning of life. It's laughing, feeling good, but most importantly, just feeling. Being happy. Being.